Alan Watts

#Quoteoftheday #dailycalm #AlanWatts #faith #peace

To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax and float.

A phone call away.

When there was time, I didn’t looked at you. And now when I don’t have time, I want to look at you forever. Is this a revenge of fate? Or is this how life is for everyone? I don’t know. I feel so weak and the longing for someone makes it all the more painful. I wonder, was this how she felt all these years when I didn’t get the time to even kiss her for weeks because I was out for work. Or maybe she didn’t pay much attention either and was often busy with her own work. Does she regret it now like I do? I suppose we didn’t have time for each other, and maybe we both miss each other now. But what about it now? Does thinking like this change anything? After the divorce we haven’t been able to find the courage to send a single text or give a call. Or maybe we both have been waiting for the other person to contact.

Should I contact her? What if she has moved on? Is getting retired this hopeless for everyone? What if she has gotten married to someone else? But should I call her? Isn’t the only reason I am thinking about her because I have no job now? Or was this always at the back of my mind?

Does it have to be this tough? Can’t I just contact her and see what’s going to happen? Then I can know it for sure.

He went up to his phone. He still had her cell number, but wasn’t that almost five years old. Did that even work now? What if someone else picked up the phone?

Oh what the hell. Just stop this. I am thinking again and, Questions with no definitive answers are coming in the mind.

He picked up his phone, searched her contact and called her. The ring went on for a whole minute but no one answered. He lost hope. I knew, but still I needed to try.

After an hour his phone rang. It was her. He could tell it by the ring. He picked up the phone and heard her breath. The breath that had been alongside him so many times, the breath that had touched every part of his body. He could realize how important that breath was now. He spoke “Hey”.

The woman replied in a soft voice, “Feeling lonely?”

His eyes moistened. What was this feeling. Didn’t he felt like this when he first met her in college? He replied, “Not really. I was just you know…” a pause followed, he didn’t know what to say. He finally stopped thinking and said, “Yes, I was feeling lonely.”

He could see the woman smile on the other side of the phone. She replied, “Was it that difficult? See. I have been waiting.

“Why didn’t you call then?”

“Because I knew you would have been busy. And when you are done, you will come for me.”

He gasped. He had to fight against his tears so hard, I can’t be weak now. I don’t want her to think that I have become weak.

She said, “Dont hold back. Not now. Please. I might not be there if not this time”, as if reading his mind.

Tears rolled down his eyes. Large drops, that have waited so long to come outside and kiss the air. He just said, “Stupid. I want to meet you. Please.”

The bell rang. She replied, “Oh. Looks like someone’s home.

He was surprised. He prayed that what he was thinking was true and went to open the door.

As soon as he came near the door, he could feel her presence. He started crying and sat on the ground with his back to the door. “H…How?” He asked.

“Aren’t you going to open it? I got into the car as soon as I saw your first call. I wasn’t able to pick it up for that reason.”

“How did you know that I would want to meet you?”

I was your wife for a long time. And you called, that meant I needed to be there for you.”

“Why? I don’t want you to see me crying.”

“If I go now, you might not get to see me ever.

“Don’t say such words. My heart and mind feel they have been waiting for this moment for so long. My body won’t stop shaking. It wants to apologize and grab you so tight that it won’t ever let go of you. How will my mind ever be able to comprehend not seeing you. Stop threatening me. I will open up.”

He stood up, unlocked the door and let the shine of the sun come in. Or was it the shine from her, he didn’t know.

The next thing he remembered was kissing her on his doorstep.

A temporary ending!?

There will always be problems. If not these then other ones. But we need to adjust. We needed to adjust. He said to himself as he saw her go back to her car. He was standing outside the court where they had just filed for a divorce. At least look at me once, just once.But she didn’t. She started the engine of her white Mercedes C-class, a car that he had gifted her on her birthday. She didn’t look at him, and just drove off.

He stood there looking at the car drive by. Even when the car had made a turn and was out of sight, he kept looking at the intersection where the car had turned. Perhaps his mind was wishing for her to be back anytime. Or perhaps it didn’t know what to do now.

He kept on staring for another five minutes until someone informed him that his phone was ringing. He shook his head and was finally able to force himself back to reality. He could now hear his phone ringing. He thanked the person and picked up the call.

It was from Niyati, his best friend since college. Only she knew about the divorce, as he hadn’t been able to find the strength to even tell his parents.

As soon as he heard her voice, tears poured down his eyes like water forming a narrow stream. He had been holding them back since he had stepped in the court room, trying to look composed and strong. But now, when there was no one here, at least she wasn’t here, he started crying.

Niyati could hear him sobbing and said, “It will be okay. It was your fault, and I told you in the starting itself that this might happen. If you really love her then you will have to endure this, and keep on fighting for her. And not take any stupid actions.”

He was silent.

“I won’t give you pity because you don’t deserve any. If you loved her so much why did you cheat? Did you really think that this will make her happy? Or maybe jealous? Would she have started loving you more? I don’t think I have seen anyone love you more, and it was the same with you too! What happened then, what changed your love for her?”

“It was all my fault. It was all my fault!”, he repeated.

“You are too naive in these matters and I don’t know how you two were able to fall in love and get married. So I don’t think you would have tried to search for another girl to get in bed with. It was probably one of your friends or employees. You would have thought that you were looking cool all this time in front of them but in reality it was the opposite. And yet you kept on moving forward, deeper and deeper towards the wrong destination.”

“I am sorry. I am so sorry. I won’t do it again. Please help me. Please”, he pleaded.

“First of all stop acting lame.”

“okay, sorry”

“And just stop with the sorry. The more you say it, the lesser meaning it has.”

He remained silent. His tears had stopped now but his expression was unchanged, still pitiful and painful.

“Go home for now and get some rest. I will think about something. If you really love her then you will be able to get her back. I have no doubt that she still loves you. Love doesn’t fade away like that. Just get some rest and we will talk again tomorrow morning.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“Take care, it’s not over yet.”

“I will”

And the line went dead. He looked above, The darkness was setting in after the sunset. Niyati was right, he needed some rest.

He closed his eyes, his face still facing upwards. There was a slight breeze. It hit him on his cheeks then his face, he breathed in deeply, and then let out a deep breath. Somewhere deep down a voice responded, “It’s not the end.”

He opened his eyes and started walking towards his car, a metallic-red coloured Ferrari Spyder 458. He still remembered the first time he drove the car, it was with her when he took a test drive just before his birthday. He had been wanting to buy a sports car and this was what had attracted his attention. She liked the car too. Knowing that their individual salaries were not enough to buy the car, he was a bit disappointed and returned home dejected. But then she had surprised him the next day, and gifted the car to him on his birthday. She had spent all her savings she had to book it.

He remembered how he had cried after seeing the car, and just before taking the key from her he had kissed her. A kiss that lasted almost a whole two minutes. That was probably the best kiss initiated by him. He was thrilled. Then he had asked her to drive with him, as that would make the ride even more amazing.

Now remembering this he felt sad, but happy at the same time. Sad that she wasn’t here and happy that he had at least one thing that was a gift from her. He would care for it till the end of the world.

He started the car, the engine revved up. And started driving towards home.